WHO WANTS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE

Frank Edoho: Good evening Mr. President. We are delighted to bring you on the show. Previously we brought President Ghaddafi before he was captured….
GEJ: Thank you Frank. Can we go straight to business please? In the next two hours, I’ll be chairing the meeting of a Committee later today. It is the Committee for integration of all Committees. We discovered that most of our existing committees work against each other. We need to harmonize, coordinate and synchronize our positions to make things work.

Frank Edoh: Let’s begin the game right away sir. Let me remind you about the rule sir. You have 3 life-lines: 50/50, phone a friend or ask the audience. Now let’s play…
Mr. President, what is the solution to our national problems? (A) Setting up of Committees (B) Going back to the drawing board (C) killing of corrupt leaders (D) Consulting with past Presidents in the Country
GEJ: This one is a very difficult question Frank. It appears there are more than two answers. Yes, we all know that when there is a problem, we must go back to the drawing board.
Talking about Committees, we all know they have been working wonderfully well. Like the dismal performance of our athletes in London, I have set up a high-level 7-man Committee to find out what went wrong and prepare us for Rio 2016 Olympics. The Committee is to be chaired by the only man who can fix things in Nigeria. Our elder statesman; Chief Anthony Anini has been given the task to fix the problems troubling our Sports sector.
Frank Edoho: But Mr. President, Mr. Fix-it couldn’t fix things for PDP at the last elections in Edo State.
GEJ: I’ll rather not talk about that Frank. We have a Committee in the PDP working on the report of a Committee set up to investigate why our great Party lost that election.
Back to your question, it can’t be C. What can we achieve by killing our leaders who are said to be corrupt? The word “corrupt” is even relative. All those children on Twitter who abuse their leaders also cheat in their exams.
Can you imagine what could have happened if we killed Chief Olabode George. Who shall we approach for advice when we need it? The good thing is we can’t fall into the same trap again.
I will go for B – Committees. They work in all kind of situations.
Frank Edoho: Is that your final answer Mr. President?
GEJ: Yes final answer is B. Committees. We even set up a committee to prepare me for this programme.
Frank Edoho: Mr. President, if you had picked (A) – Going back to the Drawing board, you would have been wrong. The answer is B!
(The audience claps)
Frank Edoho: You just won yourself the sum of N5,000 sir. To the next question that will earn you the sum of N7,500.
GEJ: Thank you. What’s your next question? (Smiling)
Frank Edoho:Who brought Twitter to Nigeria?
(A) MallamNasir El-Rufai (B) Femi Fani-Fakayode (C) Eggheader (D) None of the above
GEJ: That’s a very tricky question o. If you mentioned Facebook, I brought that one to Nigeria but Twitter… (he trails off)
Frank Edoho: Do you want to use any of the lifelines?
GEJ: Let me phone a friend. Let me call Baba, Former President Olusegun Obasanjo. Or should I call Reno Omokri since he’s my person on Twitter. Let me call Baba…
(Frank places a call to Chief Olusegun Obasanjo.)

Electronic voice from MTN: The number you are calling is not available at the moment, please try again later. The number you are calling is not available at the moment, please try again later.
(Frank ends the call)
GEJ: I think MTN is the sponsor of this show. Why is it that they can’t even maintain a good network when they need it on their own show?
(He points at Reuben Abati in the audience)
Reuben, please start working on a Press release suspending MTN from operating in this country. They keep taking our money without giving any value. How will their network fail on national TV? This is embarrassing. I’m sure Chief Obasanjo is glued to his TV waiting for Frank’s call.
To make matters worse, I informed nothing less than 40 Presidents of other nations to watch this show. What a show of shame?!
(Abati stands in the audience to take GEJ’s instruction)
Frank Edoho: We apologize for that sir. You may have to use the audience now Mr. President. The question again: Who brought Twitter to Nigeria?
GEJ: Let me try my luck. I will go with El-Rufai. I have a strong feeling he must have brought it to discredit my government. You see all funny characters that have no job but to curse me from morning till evening on that platform. I have instructed the SSS to keep close tabs on them anyway. If the trends continue this way, I may have to nationalize Twitter in Nigeria just like Obasanjo did to British Petroleum in the late 70’s.
I am in touch with the Senate President, David Mark and we shall soon introduce a programme whereby the Federal Government shall register all Twitter users and a Committee shall be put in place to ensure that every statement to be posted on Twitter is certified as ok before it is posted.
But taking El-Rufai as my final answer will only give an honour to that ingrate. I brought Facebook to Nigeria, it is difficult for me to agree that El-Rufai brought Twitter. As for Femi Fani-Kayode, Marylyn Ogar of SSS informed me the minute he created his twitter account, so it can’t be him.
Let me take D – None of the above.
Frank Edoho: Mr. President, I am sorry … to inform you … that El-Rufail would have been a wrong answer. The correct answer is D. Congrats, you have just won yourself the sum of N10,000!
(The audience claps as a man runs across with a big umblella, sorry, an umbrella with a PDP logo.)

Frank Edoho: To the next question sir.
Which Nigerian artiste best captured Nigeria’s performance at the London Olympics 2012
(A) Kollington Ayinla– Ko ma sieni to sonuninuwa, koseni to sonuninuwa o – meaning Nobody got lost among us. (B) General Pype – I am a born Champion (C) Olamide – Ilefo Illuminati (D) D’Banj – Oyato

G.E.J: That’s a very clever question Frank. It can’t be “Oyato” by D’banj. What is “oyato” in the whole performance? At times I just feel some Nigerians are determined to embarrass this government.
We spent so much on those athletes, how come they were not able to pick any medal? So shameful. When during the time of Abacha, we won trophies. Like I said earlier, we have already set up a committee to look into that.
The answer cannot be “Ilefo-Illuminati” by Olamide. I don’t even believe in the Illuminati shit that people talk about, pardon my language please.
General Pype’s “I’m a born champion can’t be the answer”. Those athletes are nothing but a bunch of losers!
That leaves General Kollington Ayinla’s song. I remember that song used to be a hit. Most of the young people may not know the song. It’s a thanksgiving song.

(GEJ starts singing)

Koseni to sonuni nu wa, ko ma seni to sonuninuwa o…
It means nobody got missing among our contingent. Even if they didn’t win any medal, we thank God they didn’t embarrass us by running away in London. See the case of Cameroon and Congo, which is just so disgusting.
Kollington Ayinla is therefore my answer. We are considering doing a welcome party for the athletes. Events planners have already submitted bids; we may consider Kollington to entertain us at the event.
So my final answer is A – Kollington.
Frank Edoho: You are correct sir! Congrats, you have just won yourself the sum of N20,000!
Next question sir. What is the most appropriate gift anyone can give the First Lady, Her Excellency, The President Committee of all First Ladies in Africa, Permanent Secretary in Bayelsa state, Chief Dr. Patience Jonathan
(A) A landed property in Paris (B) A Range Rover Sport (C) Brighter Grammar and an Oxford Dictionary (D) Free Spa treatment at Hotel Healdsburg in Califonia
(The look on GEJ’s face appears to be that of anger)
GEJ: C is the answer, Brighter Grammar and an Oxford Dictionary. Next question please.
FRANK EDOHO: That is very correct sir. To the next question for N30,000, who is your Government’s Spokes person?
(A) Dr. Reuben Abati (B) Chief Edwin Clark (C) Chief Doyin Okupe (D) Alhaji Asari Dokubo
GEJ: Frank, where did you get these your questions from? This is a very difficult one o. They all present the Government’s position to Nigerians.
Actually, Abati was forming too gentle and in politics as you know, we are in a very tense terrain. Other aggressive members of the government may have to step in from time to time.
You can always trust my attack dog to give it to my opponents like it’s hot. Can’t you see that Action Congress is very scared now? They have been calling for his sack. Where is ACN’s Lai Mohammed? They now have more problems to contend with since Doyin Okupe has even turned to an Attack Lion. Thanks to his visit to Jamaica where he met Snoop Lion.
Doyin Okupe is my answer.
Frank Edoho: That is correct, Mr. President. The next question is for N45,000.
How do we tackle the problem of Boko Haram?
(A) Create more Lions like Doyin Okupe to unleash on Boko Haram (B) Negotiate with the terrorists (C) Aerial bombardment of the affected towns (D) President Jonathan should convert to a Muslim
G.E.J: This is another clever question Frank.
(Electricity goes off and the studio turns dark. Security officers immediately take position as Frank Edoho puts on the light on his Nokia 1100)
What is happening here? You guys don’t have a Gen?
Frank Edoho: No sir. We thought Electricity supply was assured since you were coming on the show.
(A loud noise is heard from outside the Studios, Gbam!)
G.E.J: Boko Haram is here o!!!
(SSS guys and Soldiers rush towards the President to shield him, Frank Edoho runs towards the exit and the members of audience all take off)
till next Wednesday….

AWERO

(This short story is inspired by a hospital visitation I made during my National Youths Service in Oyo, Oyo State).

IT WAS A HOT SATURDAY. As part of our selfless national service for our country as Youth Corp members, we had decided to visit a local community health centre to donate gift items to patients on admission, and also to relate with the medical personnel.

The state of facilities at the Community Health Centre resonated the discordant symphony of rottenness, neglect and stench in social infrastructures in the country. While interacting with the matron of the centre, we were made to understand that electricity supply to the health centre had been cut off as they were unable to clear the “PHCN bill of about N 87,000”, and that the government never installed any generating plant. They made do with lanterns and candles in the night. We also discovered that the health centre had no residential doctor. All delicate cases were referred to the State Specialist Hospital. The nets on the windows were all in shreds; the toilet facilities were in distasteful shapes as there was no bore-hole or tap to maintain its cleanliness, the near-by bush became the only option.

We felt sorry for the rotten system and the discomforted patients. We wished we could really do something, but how? The patients were even pleading with us to speak to the government on their behalf – at least to renovate the only health facility in the community. But how would we convince them we had come on the visit with all our gift items coming from our meager allowance? The local government council had only provided us a bus to convey us to the health centre.

 I had always been involved in this kind of charity and/or community development work, even right back from my undergraduate stage while I was a member of a youth organization. Then, we would organize seminars and trainings for local youths in the university town, and also embark on charity visits to the Motherless Babies’ Homes, the School for the Physically Challenged, and also adopt a specific number of young boys or girls to mentor. As such, societal realities such as: rape, sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancy, and teenage pregnancy were not alien to me. In fact, the scandalous rate at which the menace was growing in our local area of primary assignment, prompted us to dedicate a whole month to raise awareness and campaign directed at the young girls and boys in the local government area, and of course their parents.

Out of all our experiences in the course of our enlightenment campaigns against rape, sexual abuse and teenage pregnancy, our last visitation to the community health centre remained the most unpleasant and unforgettable. Other vulnerable girls who have fell victims of rape have all had their own share of the blame; some had sneaked out of class to meet their boys in the bush behind the school, some had even walked straight into the boy’s room claiming they only wanted to see a movie. But, Awero’s story stood apart.

Awero was the last child in the family of five. Her body was perfectly formed, and she was no doubt one of the prettiest girls in the community. Her parents were farmers, but her mother had a small table in front of her house, the one the locals called “Ate” where she sold fruits, tomatoes and pepper. After school in the afternoon, Awero hawked fruits, mostly banana. She would go to the next door to call Sadiat with whom she hawked. Sadiat was not Awero’s kind of friend, for she was the weird type. Her mother was divorced and all her sisters – three of them had become unexpectant mothers. Awero did not like the idea of Sadiat being her ‘hawking partner’, but her mother would not listen to her; for she believed Awero was only being unreasonably stubborn, and besides, she was pretty and could be an easy prey for those “rabid boys around”.

Everyday, Awero would wait at the back of Oga  Muri’s window for Sadiat who always stopped over to “play” with her boyfriend. On a fateful day, Awero returned from school earlier than usual to the surprise of her mother. She had been driven by her class teacher, Mr. Akanle, for defaulting in paying her development levy. Though the government claimed basic education was free from the primary to the secondary school level, pupils and students were still being driven by the school authority for N 800.00 Development Levy. Awero had ran home with the hope of collecting the money she had been saving with her mother, she was disappointed when her mother informed her that Iwalewa, her elder sister had come to borrow the money, even with the little profit she had made over the week to pay for her daughter’s treatment at the health centre. School was over for her that day, and if she would make it up the next day, she had to get out of her school uniform and launch her hawking tray to pay her way back to school.

Her mother suggested she waited for Sadiat, but, how could she? She had a target of N 800 to meet that day; and it was a time sales had been extremely bad.

Better for her to have dropped out of school, but still remained a virgin. Better for her to stay home that afternoon, than to witness her dignity forcefully taken from her. Awero was ganged raped by some block-molding boys at an uncompleted building. She did not even know how many of them “did it”. When the pains became unbearable, she pleaded to be killed. It was then she heard Oga Muri’s voice.

She wanted to die…

It was exactly nine months and three days. Awero had been in labour for two days. Even in her pains, her beauty radiates through her ebony skin and her dimples. Her mother was holding her; her elder sister was all over ward calling the matron. Sadiat was fanning her. She was in pains.

Our lady corpers were crying…

I rushed to the matron’s office. The fat woman was devouring a hot steaming porrage. She did not look from the food flask.

“Ajuwaya, you’re around still”. She intoned. Another spoonful of porrage down her throat.

“Ma-ma…I think your attention is needed – “. I stammered.

“I’ve asked Nurse Eli to take you everwhere”. She querried. Still on her porrage. When she knew it was all about Awero, she practically dismissed me out of her office when she simply muttered “Nothing will do her”. As I made to approach a nurse down the corridor, I heard a loud scream…

Awero’s baby was out. A fine young warrior. Our lady corpers shouted “Halleluyah!”. The matron handled the rest. We paid for the injections and drips. An overzealous lady corper ran across the road to get her bornvita and milk.

Awero was happy. She looked at her baby, looked around at everyone in the room and cried. We consoled her with inspiring words. And she smiled again…

But, I wondered how long her smiles would last! This was not what she set out to be! She told us at one her visits to the Corpers’ Lodge that she had wanted to grow up, study Medicine in the Univeristy of Ibadan, get married and give her virginity to her husband, had children, and set up a private clinic in the community. We encouraged her she could still be what she wanted to be. But she smiled...

It was the same smile she gave that day at the health centre.

This story left me with a painful reality of the Awero in every girl-child in my environment.

Telephone conversation:

 

OBJ: Hello Jonathan! How is Patience?
 

GEJ: Ahn ahn! Baba! 3 days!What happened?You didn't call me back the other day?
 

OBJ: I'm sorry;I had to go to Ibogun my village & the network there is a problem.All these network providers
promised to bring 3G there but since I left office,they have done nothing... How are you resolving this issue of
subsidy?

GEJ: Walahi! I'm tired!And this Lady,Ngozi,is no where to be found now...
 

OBJ: Has she left the country?
 

GEJ: I don't even know.Mark(Senate president) met with those people yesterday & they still insisted on N65..!
 

OBJ: Its like the truth about this whole issue is coming out gradually o. don't even know where you saw all those figures you are calling:N1.3trillion!
Iwo gan an buru o! (You sef tough o!)
 

GEJ: Na Ngozi o!She said once we tell them we subsidize for neighboring countries,there wouldn't be issues...
 

OBJ: You are being fooled by a woman..!The same way your wife is washing your dirty linen outside with her grammar,so tay she said she's a widow!You'd better be more prayerful
so that you won't die prematurely! 

GEJ: Hmm...Sir,do you have Tunde Bakare's number?
 

OBJ: Ehen!Bakare ke?For what?Even if I have it,I won't give you because the guy is tough now o!He will rain curses & you may not escape it o!He and his other group(CAN) prayed for Abacha's death & within 3 days,that prostitute I once dated in Gabon came & fed him with apples...
 

GEJ: Baba,who do I talk to now?Fashola is not even helping matters...He went to the rally in Lagos;instead of him to go with MOPOL to shoot at sight,he was even praising them..!
 

OBJ: Ha ha ha! Omo Eko alagbari gidi niyen! (He's a real smart Lagosian!)
 

GEJ: Can I bribe Bakare to soft pedal on the rally in Lagos?.
 

OBJ: I dey laugh o! They will use your money to buy drinks at the rally! Reverse the price & look for other ways for you & your Cabal...
 

GEJ: I want to announce the N97 pump price now.I will call U̶̲̥̅̊ back to tell you their reaction,Sir!..

A LOVE POEM FOR LORD, DIVINE

HE,

On WHOM the cord of life hangs

We are YOURS to have

YOU have always been ours to take

The roaring VOICE in the cloud

Resonance of incomparably beauty

On WHOM the cord of life hangs

We are YOURS to have

YOU have always been ours to take

The wholesome WONDER in the burning grass

The GENERALISSIMO at the Red Sea

The ONE

On WHOM the cord of life hangs

We are YOURS to have

YOU have always been ours to take

For all YOU have given

We say to the ONE

On WHOM the cord of life hangs

We are YOURS to have

YOU are ours to take

The Gathering Cloud

Araba,

What are you still doing out there, unmoved?

Are your ears so muffled that you cannot hear the river roar?

It is approaching…

Won’t your sense dialogue with your feet?

Sounds of grumbling clouds…

Mothers calling out aloud

Fowls running home to roost

On whomever this torrent sees

It beats…

In haste

We must all

A shelter seek

This gathering storm

Shall unseat stubborn caps

The anus of the wandering goloba

Shall it unmask in full glare…

But,

Tell that alakori ojelu

No shelter shall shield his unfortunate head

He should have thought it well

Before he shot the arrow

That punctured the sun…

Like the lazy man’s corpse

These torrents shall unearth his ugly past…

I Shall Not Be Moved

Like brimstones straight

From the backroom of hell

Life will hurl its missiles

I shall STAND, still

I shall not be moved

With torrential drops

From the nimbus cloud

I shall be drenched in the rain

Of stolen justices and muffled voices

I shall STAND, still

I shall not be moved

I shall STAND, still

My voice shall soar, still

I shall not be moved

The sun shall rise again

I shall not be moved

My hand shall in halleluya praise

I shall not be moved