GEJ: Thank you Frank. Can we go straight to business please? In the next two hours, I’ll be chairing the meeting of a Committee later today. It is the Committee for integration of all Committees. We discovered that most of our existing committees work against each other. We need to harmonize, coordinate and synchronize our positions to make things work.
Frank Edoh: Let’s begin the game right away sir. Let me remind you about the rule sir. You have 3 life-lines: 50/50, phone a friend or ask the audience. Now let’s play…
Mr. President, what is the solution to our national problems? (A) Setting up of Committees (B) Going back to the drawing board (C) killing of corrupt leaders (D) Consulting with past Presidents in the Country
GEJ: This one is a very difficult question Frank. It appears there are more than two answers. Yes, we all know that when there is a problem, we must go back to the drawing board.
Talking about Committees, we all know they have been working wonderfully well. Like the dismal performance of our athletes in London, I have set up a high-level 7-man Committee to find out what went wrong and prepare us for Rio 2016 Olympics. The Committee is to be chaired by the only man who can fix things in Nigeria. Our elder statesman; Chief Anthony Anini has been given the task to fix the problems troubling our Sports sector.
Frank Edoho: But Mr. President, Mr. Fix-it couldn’t fix things for PDP at the last elections in Edo State.
GEJ: I’ll rather not talk about that Frank. We have a Committee in the PDP working on the report of a Committee set up to investigate why our great Party lost that election.
Back to your question, it can’t be C. What can we achieve by killing our leaders who are said to be corrupt? The word “corrupt” is even relative. All those children on Twitter who abuse their leaders also cheat in their exams.
Can you imagine what could have happened if we killed Chief Olabode George. Who shall we approach for advice when we need it? The good thing is we can’t fall into the same trap again.
I will go for B – Committees. They work in all kind of situations.
Frank Edoho: Is that your final answer Mr. President?
GEJ: Yes final answer is B. Committees. We even set up a committee to prepare me for this programme.
Frank Edoho: Mr. President, if you had picked (A) – Going back to the Drawing board, you would have been wrong. The answer is B!
(The audience claps)
Frank Edoho: You just won yourself the sum of N5,000 sir. To the next question that will earn you the sum of N7,500.
GEJ: Thank you. What’s your next question? (Smiling)
Frank Edoho:Who brought Twitter to Nigeria?
(A) MallamNasir El-Rufai (B) Femi Fani-Fakayode (C) Eggheader (D) None of the above
GEJ: That’s a very tricky question o. If you mentioned Facebook, I brought that one to Nigeria but Twitter… (he trails off)
Frank Edoho: Do you want to use any of the lifelines?
GEJ: Let me phone a friend. Let me call Baba, Former President Olusegun Obasanjo. Or should I call Reno Omokri since he’s my person on Twitter. Let me call Baba…
(Frank places a call to Chief Olusegun Obasanjo.)
Electronic voice from MTN: The number you are calling is not available at the moment, please try again later. The number you are calling is not available at the moment, please try again later.
(Frank ends the call)
GEJ: I think MTN is the sponsor of this show. Why is it that they can’t even maintain a good network when they need it on their own show?
(He points at Reuben Abati in the audience)
Reuben, please start working on a Press release suspending MTN from operating in this country. They keep taking our money without giving any value. How will their network fail on national TV? This is embarrassing. I’m sure Chief Obasanjo is glued to his TV waiting for Frank’s call.
To make matters worse, I informed nothing less than 40 Presidents of other nations to watch this show. What a show of shame?!
(Abati stands in the audience to take GEJ’s instruction)
Frank Edoho: We apologize for that sir. You may have to use the audience now Mr. President. The question again: Who brought Twitter to Nigeria?
GEJ: Let me try my luck. I will go with El-Rufai. I have a strong feeling he must have brought it to discredit my government. You see all funny characters that have no job but to curse me from morning till evening on that platform. I have instructed the SSS to keep close tabs on them anyway. If the trends continue this way, I may have to nationalize Twitter in Nigeria just like Obasanjo did to British Petroleum in the late 70’s.
I am in touch with the Senate President, David Mark and we shall soon introduce a programme whereby the Federal Government shall register all Twitter users and a Committee shall be put in place to ensure that every statement to be posted on Twitter is certified as ok before it is posted.
But taking El-Rufai as my final answer will only give an honour to that ingrate. I brought Facebook to Nigeria, it is difficult for me to agree that El-Rufai brought Twitter. As for Femi Fani-Kayode, Marylyn Ogar of SSS informed me the minute he created his twitter account, so it can’t be him.
Let me take D – None of the above.
Frank Edoho: Mr. President, I am sorry … to inform you … that El-Rufail would have been a wrong answer. The correct answer is D. Congrats, you have just won yourself the sum of N10,000!
(The audience claps as a man runs across with a big umblella, sorry, an umbrella with a PDP logo.)
Frank Edoho: To the next question sir.
Which Nigerian artiste best captured Nigeria’s performance at the London Olympics 2012
(A) Kollington Ayinla– Ko ma sieni to sonuninuwa, koseni to sonuninuwa o – meaning Nobody got lost among us. (B) General Pype – I am a born Champion (C) Olamide – Ilefo Illuminati (D) D’Banj – Oyato
G.E.J: That’s a very clever question Frank. It can’t be “Oyato” by D’banj. What is “oyato” in the whole performance? At times I just feel some Nigerians are determined to embarrass this government.
We spent so much on those athletes, how come they were not able to pick any medal? So shameful. When during the time of Abacha, we won trophies. Like I said earlier, we have already set up a committee to look into that.
The answer cannot be “Ilefo-Illuminati” by Olamide. I don’t even believe in the Illuminati shit that people talk about, pardon my language please.
General Pype’s “I’m a born champion can’t be the answer”. Those athletes are nothing but a bunch of losers!
That leaves General Kollington Ayinla’s song. I remember that song used to be a hit. Most of the young people may not know the song. It’s a thanksgiving song.
(GEJ starts singing)
Koseni to sonuni nu wa, ko ma seni to sonuninuwa o…
It means nobody got missing among our contingent. Even if they didn’t win any medal, we thank God they didn’t embarrass us by running away in London. See the case of Cameroon and Congo, which is just so disgusting.
Kollington Ayinla is therefore my answer. We are considering doing a welcome party for the athletes. Events planners have already submitted bids; we may consider Kollington to entertain us at the event.
So my final answer is A – Kollington.
Frank Edoho: You are correct sir! Congrats, you have just won yourself the sum of N20,000!
Next question sir. What is the most appropriate gift anyone can give the First Lady, Her Excellency, The President Committee of all First Ladies in Africa, Permanent Secretary in Bayelsa state, Chief Dr. Patience Jonathan
(A) A landed property in Paris (B) A Range Rover Sport (C) Brighter Grammar and an Oxford Dictionary (D) Free Spa treatment at Hotel Healdsburg in Califonia
(The look on GEJ’s face appears to be that of anger)
GEJ: C is the answer, Brighter Grammar and an Oxford Dictionary. Next question please.
FRANK EDOHO: That is very correct sir. To the next question for N30,000, who is your Government’s Spokes person?
(A) Dr. Reuben Abati (B) Chief Edwin Clark (C) Chief Doyin Okupe (D) Alhaji Asari Dokubo
GEJ: Frank, where did you get these your questions from? This is a very difficult one o. They all present the Government’s position to Nigerians.
Actually, Abati was forming too gentle and in politics as you know, we are in a very tense terrain. Other aggressive members of the government may have to step in from time to time.
You can always trust my attack dog to give it to my opponents like it’s hot. Can’t you see that Action Congress is very scared now? They have been calling for his sack. Where is ACN’s Lai Mohammed? They now have more problems to contend with since Doyin Okupe has even turned to an Attack Lion. Thanks to his visit to Jamaica where he met Snoop Lion.
Doyin Okupe is my answer.
Frank Edoho: That is correct, Mr. President. The next question is for N45,000.
How do we tackle the problem of Boko Haram?
(A) Create more Lions like Doyin Okupe to unleash on Boko Haram (B) Negotiate with the terrorists (C) Aerial bombardment of the affected towns (D) President Jonathan should convert to a Muslim
G.E.J: This is another clever question Frank.
(Electricity goes off and the studio turns dark. Security officers immediately take position as Frank Edoho puts on the light on his Nokia 1100)
What is happening here? You guys don’t have a Gen?
Frank Edoho: No sir. We thought Electricity supply was assured since you were coming on the show.
(A loud noise is heard from outside the Studios, Gbam!)
G.E.J: Boko Haram is here o!!!
(SSS guys and Soldiers rush towards the President to shield him, Frank Edoho runs towards the exit and the members of audience all take off)
till next Wednesday….
